It was an "Oh, dear," day today. Very little was right for Estelle and much of it was all wrong for some reason. She was quite agitated when I got there - immediately asking me if I was from "Room 107," and when I told her I was Laura, Dan's wife, she told me that if I was "who you say you are" I would "get us out of here immediately." Once again I told her that she needed to stay where she was because she needs more medical care than anyone can give her outside of a medical setting but today she was not going to be led down that path - she wanted to "go home" and that was all there was to it. She told me that all anyone does is tell her she must rest and that she was on the list for the army and maybe I could at least get her off of that one, if nothing else. Although she did not say so I definitely got the impression that I was certainly not on her list of helpful people today. In the greatest sort of exasperation she finally asked me if, the next time I saw her son, Dan, would I please tell him to get her out of there.
It is the worst sort of irony that Estelle's speech is much clearer when she is confused that it is when she is not.
Fortunately for me, at the height of her exasperation with me, her good friend, Meryl called. Mom loves to talk on the phone to people. We had noticed, even back in The Manor, that she often (but not always) becomes much more focused when the voice is coming from someone who is not physically in the room with her. Mark had found an interesting article relating to stroke victims and telephones, I will try to find it again and I will post it here. I remember it was quite informative and is, actually, quite common.
Anyhow, she spoke to Meryl for several minutes and, for the most part, was understandable and fairly on topic. She was delighted to hear that Meryl is planning a visit here to see her and talked about it with me even after the phone call was over. She did tell Meryl the same thing she was telling me - that she was not "doing so good," today and asked Meryl to contact Dan and ask him to call her.
Again, fortunately for me, Dan called shortly after Meryl did and Mom got to talk to him for a bit. Unfortunately for me, she did not once bring up the subject of leaving.
It was a helpless feeling sort of visit. I hate that she seems unhappy and yet, rationally I know that there is nothing anyone can do to change the things which have happened to her, and by extension, to her family and friends. Dan and I have discussed it endlessly - what's the best thing to do, the best thing to say, the best way to offer her hope but still give her reality at the same time. We basically tell her that she's ill, that she's suffered a bad stroke and she must have continual nursing care and that her family has placed her in the best possible place they could find and that everyone loves her and supports her but no one can simply "take her home" because she is, right now, far too sick to be anywhere else but where she is.
Where I in her situation, I am pretty sure I would not understand it or accept it, either.
And that's the rub.
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